Not Feeling So Strong

Over the last two months I have blogged about my progress - mostly the good things that have happened since the accident and the good things that have come of it.  So many people have told me how proud they are of my attitude and the strength I have shown through this long process so far...

but there are really only about 3 people who have seen the bad times I occasionally go through...the times when I was angry at the girl who caused the wreck...the times when I was so sick of the constant pain...the times when I cried and yelled because I just wanted to get a few hours of sleep and couldn't...the times when I was literally bored TO TEARS...the times I would cry because my friends were going out without me...the times when I just wanted to be able to walk to the kitchen w/o my crutches...and so many other "times."  Tonight I am having one of those times....just sitting here in bed wishing I was back at school with my friends, not falling behind in my classes...but mostly...just wanting to walk on two feet.  My poor boyfriend sat at home tonight on the phone with me listening to me come up with some stupid reason to be upset with him when I was really upset because every time I went to get up the last few days, I wanted to throw my crutches about 100 yards and just WALK.

Everyone has been so encouraging to me throughout this entire process.  Jodi telling me the other day how whenever she feels sick from pregnancy, she thinks of me and stops feeling sorry for herself...charity telling me that she has me to thank for realizing how blessed she is to use two legs and shower in less than an hour... I think maybe I try to keep in so many of my emotions lately because I feel so guilty for having them.  I KNOW that I am blessed to have gotten the halo off more quickly than the doctor originally expected.  I KNOW that I am blessed to have my family to take care of me.  I KNOW that I am blessed to have a boyfriend like chris who comes to visit me almost every day and a friend like chelsea who comes to see me almost every other weekend.  There are more blessings than just those...but sometimes just knowing that they are there doesn't cure the boredom, or the awful feeling of waking up after the most amazing dream of walking to class at ball state, or the anger that sometimes overcomes me when I think of how my life has been put on hold.  I really hate having these feelings, but I thought maybe I should let you all know...that I'm not always happy and smiling like I am at church...I don't feel like I deserve the attention and compliments on my attitude all the time.  However, I still DO need the encouragement of my brothers and sisters in Christ to get through nights like these.  So thank you

Brief Update

Even though I have talked to most of you who read my blog, I'll give a quick update on my progress, since I have nothing else to blog about!

Not having the halo the last 10 days has been FABULOUS...friday night and most of the day saturday I was starting to regret the decision to get the halo off early and have 2 surgeries instead of one to remove all the hardware inside and out of my foot/ankle.  However, I am now SO glad I did it.  Reason number 1 being that I don't even have to wear the boot most of the time because most of the time I am just at home sitting or laying in bed...only when I am leaving the house do I really need to wear the boot.  My knee is getting much stronger as well.  I used to have to pick up my leg with my hands and place it on the bed, but now it is strong enough that I can get my leg into bed using my actually leg muscles...what is left of them anyway!  I am also sleeping so much better now because the pain of moving around at night is so much less than it used to be.

One concern my parents and I have though, is that I have lost about 7 lbs. since the accident, which puts me at a too-thin 100 lbs.  My pants don't fit and I'm starting to look like an anorexic.  We don't understand this because I eat the same amount if not more than I used to, and I do almost no activity during the day to burn the calories I take in.  We are hoping to get some answers from the doctor this week to see if this is normal after surgeries or if I need to get in to get some tests done....again.

Well I actually had more to say than I thought!

I probably won't have anything exciting to blog about until I start walking so we'll see how much blogging I do before my next appt. in mid-March

Bye Bye Bye!

The halo is gone now as most of you already know...and since my mom already blogged on some of my progress since being home, I'll fill you all in on my time in the hospital on friday...

I got to the hospital, answered some questions and then was called back to get prepped for surgery.  I took a pregnancy test (standard procedure), and got hooked up to an IV, which the nurse missed my vein the first time :( ouch.  Then my parents were called back and as my dad walked into the room he jokingly asked, "So they already took it off huh?" Then the conversation went like this

me: "yeah i was really surprise at how fast they did everything"

dad: "oh wow you are serious? It's off already?  Wow!"

me: "yep they got my boot on and everything"

dad: "wow, thats great!"

me: "dad....."

mom: "(laughs) Todd...."

dad: "What?"

me: "I still have the halo on dad...did you really think they got me prepped and out of the O.R. in 20 minutes?"

mom and i have had several good laughs over that since friday :)

After my surgery was over and i woke up in the recovery room, they moved me into another room that was tiny and could barely fit my bed in it....the nurse then told me i 

was to get out of the bed and sit in a large leather chair in the room....(by the way i'm still only half-conscious at this point)....so the nurse not-so-carefully moves me to the chair which does not recline and hands me some orange juice to sip on while i wait for my parents to come back.  I got dressed and was on my way out in the wheelchair...still in tears from the movement that occurred between going from the chair to the wheelchair.  But hey, I survived and the halo is off and right now i'm sitting here looking mostly normal because i'm not even wearing the boot!  I have on a NORMAL pair of sweat pants and a sock on both feet!  Just one foot is a lot larger than the other..haha

The pain has subsided considerably since friday, but unfortunately yesterday i was feeling a bit nauseous and very tired 

so chris and i didnt get to do what we had planned for valentine's day...but it was still a go

od valentines day :)  He brought me some pretty roses in a cute vase, some dark chocolate lindor truffles, and a card that still makes me smile even when i've already read it a half-dozen times since last night :)  He also made notecards of how many days, hours, minutes, and seconds it has been since certain big events in our relationship and quizzed me on them over dinner at El Camino...i'm terrible at math and i only got close on one of them!  I also made him a chocolate truffle pie, which was DELICIOUS...my mouth is watering just thinking about it...mmmmm yummy!

Frankenfoot dies on Friday the 13th!!

Welllllllll......

i got the news today!  I can now start bending my knee and wearing the immobilizer less and less as my knee gains strength....aaaaaaand the big news........(drumroll please)

THE HALO COMES OFF NEXT FRIDAY!

words cannot describe how excited i am to have this giant piece of metal removed from my foot!  After the surgery i will be wearing a knee brace and a boot on my foot....and i'll have 11 holes in my foot and shin where the pins and screws were, but thats ok!